I have been following an Instagram account. Each day I open the app it pops up and tells me of the cruel details of an Asian-American that is attacked physically. It has made me hypervigilant on how the way I look is targeted. I could run away back to my country of origin, even though I was born in America, but they won’t accept me there. I look extremely different and can barely speak or read the language. I stick out like a foreigner there. And I am looked at as a foreigner in my home country of America. I try to think back at anytime of my life when there were people whom looked like me more than not. Possibly in College when I joined an Asian-interest sorority. I could somewhat blend in amongst the black hair. I didn’t quite belong there either. The constant pressure to be like and act like everyone else. Where am I getting at with all this. I don’t belong anywhere. I am going to stick out wherever I go so I might as well embrace it and fulfill it to the fullest. Be you. So simple to say and so extremely difficult too. Be you. What does that even mean. This frustrates me so much because it is so simple yet so extremely difficult. Being myself is extremely difficult. I have so many fears about what could happen if I was myself. I live in fear and when I walk out my door I look around to see what my environment is like. I look at people and wonder if I should be apprehensive and then plan my escape route should I need to execute. I start hypothesizing what they could be planning as a target. I view side glances with suspicion from neighbors. Like what are they planning? But wait they can’t be or they will get in trouble, hopefully. I go down this route and then I want to hide in my four walls. What kind of life is that. Afraid of my own neighbors. Like what if I send them a trigger and it sets them off. See I have never even spoken to them and maybe that is why I am fearful or maybe my instincts are correct. I don’t know. I could stop following news like this, but does that make me ignorant? Ignorance is not bliss. If you don’t know what is coming then you will get what is coming to you whether you are prepared or not. Better to be prepared than unguarded, fully vulnerable to any and all. What is the right balance of awareness and living blissfully. May be there is no such thing as living blissfully when you know more than you can handle. Once you see it how can you unsee it and live like the world is a giant happy face. I would not ever wish to go back to myself 10 years ago. Although my ignorance then did provide me a shelter to focus on my menial tasks. I wouldn’t want to go back to that even if I was blissfully ignorant. Not to say I am not now, but I do have a little more knowledge now in comparison to myself then. May be I can use the knowledge I have now and mix it in with a little of my self in the past. Like having more confidence in my gut and acting on it. Have more conviction. So this is why old people are usually so stubborn because they have learned not to be so wishy washy and idunno and more like yes I know and this is what I’ll do. I’m not letting influences come to sway me unless it is well backed up. I am no longer a prey to cheap tricks of words and shiny trinkets. I can think, act, and speak for myself. Convince I am wrong or get lost. Yes, I love how the old people are so confident and I love how the young people are so full of possibilities. A good mix of both is what I would like. So how does one gain the confidence of an 80 year old without having to turn 80. And how does an 80 year old keep bitterness at bay with all the suffering they’ve incurred for living almost to a century.
Waste Not, Want Not